Time Cannot Erase Chp 32 pt 1

When this began I had nothing to say
And I get lost in the nothingness inside of me
I was confused
And I let it all out to find
That I’m not the only person with these things in mind

But all the vacancy the words revealed
Is the only real thing that I’ve got left to feel
Nothing to lose
Just stuck: hollow and alone
And the fault is my own

I will never know myself until I do this on my own
And I will never feel anything else, until my wounds are healed
I will never be anything till I break away from me
I will break away,
I'll find myself today

I want to heal
I want to feel like I’m
somewhere I belong
~Linkin Park “Somewhere I Belong”

Chapter 32
Where I Belong


“Look up there, right between those two peaks. The pass will open up and once we get to the top you can see the towers clearly, with Death Mountain right behind them. Then you look out and all of Hyrule field opens up and you can see everything: the desert to the south, and lake Hylia past that. Then you look across the field and the trees of Kokiri forest stretch out as far as you can see,” Link gazed into the distance and smiled as he became lost in his own thoughts.

As Link’s voice faded to silence the only sound left was the gentle, rhythmic clopping of their horses’ hooves on the hard, rocky trail. The trip home had taken considerably longer than the initial flight to Aritia. They had kept a relaxed speed about the journey. In fact, their pace had gradually slowed with each day, decreasing ever more drastically the closer they drew to their destination.

“It will be nice to be home,” Zelda said somewhat unenthusiastically.

Something about her tone made Link open his eyes and look at her. She had her head down and was bobbing softly with the movement of her horse, her expression troubled.

“But…?” Link said.

Zelda only stared stoically forward.

“Your father?” he asked cautiously.

Zelda didn’t reply but glanced up into his eyes for a moment, quickly turning her gaze in the opposite direction. Link said nothing more and Zelda was grateful for that. She didn’t want to talk about it. She didn’t even want to think about it, though it solely occupied her mind.

Link did not want to think about it either, though quite honestly he hadn’t thought about him until this moment. The mention of her father suddenly sent a clenching through Link’s chest. It suddenly occurred to him that Zelda really had no idea what awaited them when they returned to Hyrule.

Her father had been looming, omnipresent shadow lurking over them for years, and though they had escaped him momentarily, his shadow had finally crept over them both once more.

At first it had been easy to block him out. The last four weeks had been the most wonderful of either of their lives, and drowning in the dream that surrounded them was far easier than facing the cold reality that they were steadily plodding into, but the closer they drew to Hyrule the more impossible it became to pretend that nothing was wrong. The joy in their journey was quickly fading. While the Sages remained in relatively high spirits, a dark cloud settled over Link and Zelda as they traveled across the vast plains and rolling hills.

Now, as they steadily made their way through the steep cliffed mountain pass they knew they were very close: that they were almost home. It was a bittersweet realization. Both could feel it as they came up over the ridge. Suddenly all of Hyrule field lay spread at their feet. It was a breathtaking sight, and Zelda could scarcely take it all in.

With the orange and pink light of the setting sun illuminating the grassy plains and leaving a golden sheen on the waters of the lake beyond them the entire world seemed to glow. The beauty of her kingdom had never lain before her as it did now. Link was right: it was magnificent.

She wondered how many times he had been able to look out at this beautiful vista, and if this was the first and only time she would be able to do so. It was no wonder he loved to roam as he did. It was all at once an emboldening and humbling experience. She could not help but feel strong and noble while looking down on her kingdom with such glowing pride, and yet as she looked down at the endless stretch of land fading into the flaming horizon she couldn’t help but feel small and a little insignificant.

“Zelda, look!” Nabooru’s voice cut through Zelda’s thoughts, shattering her rumination. “Aren’t those your soldiers?” Nabooru asked dubiously, pointing over the side of the ridge.

Every head turned and looked down on the valley below. Sure enough, far in the distance, they could make out what was undoubtedly a small battalion marching in formation across the plains. Bathed in red light, casting eerily elongated shadows over the ground they proved to be a chilling sight.

“It looks like they are heading towards the Kokiri Forest,” Nabooru mused.

“Why would they be marching there?” Saria asked in a worried voice.

A sudden gust of wind picked up, breezing past them as though in warning as the entire group fell into sudden silence. Impa caught Link’s eye suddenly, her expression undeniably evocative, but Link quickly looked away.

“Come on,” Link said suddenly, his voice slightly urgent. “We’d better get going.”

He kicked Epona, spurring her forward. Gradually the rest turned from the curious sight and followed Link down the path, though Zelda couldn’t help but feel uneasy about what she had seen, but it was Link who really had her worried. He hadn’t said anything discouraging or worrying, but somehow she knew that something was wrong with him. She could feel it: something was not right. Over and over in her mind she tried to think of what her father could be doing and what had happened in her absence. The thoughts consumed her, and she grew quite oblivious to all else.

Impa took Zelda’s contemplative state to her advantage, slowing to the back of the group and motioning for Link to join her.

“You do know why the King’s troops are on the move, don’t you?” she asked simply.

It hadn’t taken Link a lot of thought to guess at the King’s motives. “He’s looking for me,” he sighed.

“He’s looking for us,” Impa corrected him. “If you’ll remember we were both banished from this Kingdom on penalty of death.”

“Well, what are we supposed to do?” Link asked. “I promised to bring Zelda home, no matter what. I’m not going to run from him.”

“Zelda knows nothing of any of this, and yet soon enough it will be all too clear. We have to tell her,” Impa admonished.

“Maybe we won’t have to,” Link said hopefully. “Maybe when she explains to him what happened he’ll-“

“You are a fugitive,” Impa cut in harshly. “The King believes you have kidnapped her. He wants your life, Link, and he will settle for nothing less. What do you think you’re going to do once we get there? You think he will pardon you? Receive you with open arms and thanks?” she scoffed. “I have known him all my life and I have yet to see a merciful bone in his body, especially where matters of pride are concerned. He will not see reason, he will not be understanding and he will never forgive you. Surely you know that.”

Link knew it, but having it thrust so bluntly in his face only made him defensive and angry.

“Of course I do,” Link replied.

“Then what are you planning to do? What kind of life do you think you can have with her?” Impa questioned sincerely. “She is the Princess.”

“Don’t you think I know that?!” Link replied in frustration, trying to keep his voice down so as not to call attention to himself.

Impa was undeterred, “Then surely you know she is bound to her crown: to a life you can never be a part of.”

Link didn’t want to hear anymore. “We’ll find a way,” he replied stubbornly.

“How?” Impa asked firmly, her stern expression never faltering. She wasn’t trying to cut Link down, only to help him see reality for what it was. “If you go with her and they find you there is only one route for you. Is that what you want for her: to have to watch you walk to the gallows?”

“He cannot hurt me,” Link replied darkly. The frustration of powerlessness was taking over in him. “You and I took down an entire battalion, we can do it again.”

“Maybe you can escape again,” Impa replied, “but what will that do for her? If you escape as a fugitive and leave her alone again it will destroy her. You aren’t thinking about her at all, Link.”

“Of course I am!” Link burst so loudly that everyone in front of them stopped and turned to stare at him. Link looked away, trying to appear as though nothing had happened until, at last, the others turned away with curious expressions still on their faces. Zelda’s gaze lingered for longer than anyone else’s. He felt as though her eyes could see right through him: peering into his soul, seeing everything. Zelda looked at him that way for quite a while, finally turning away in somber contemplation.

After a few moments Impa spoke again. “She’s like a daughter to me,” Impa replied warningly. “I will not see her hurt by you again.”

Link was hardly prepared for this attack by Impa. He had always thought Impa was on his side, and this sudden change in her was hard to handle.

“I’ve risked my entire life for her. I’ve given everything I can to save her! Do you think I want to hurt her?” Link asked in exasperation.

“No,” Impa replied honestly, “but I believe that you, unwittingly, will end up hurting her greatly. On the path you are now on it is inevitable.”

“What do you want me to do?” Link asked harshly. “I’ve done everything I can!”

“I want you to do what’s best for her!” Impa retaliated.

“What is best for her?” Link could hardly contain himself any longer. “Dragging her into a life of wandering exile or abandoning her to a life of isolation that she hates?”

“Why don’t you let her make her own decision,” Impa replied simply.

Link was quieted by this for a moment, unsure of what to say. “Well,” he said finally, “What about you? You’re banished too. You can’t go back to the castle. What are you going to do, just let her go on alone?”

Impa’s face remained impassive, but her voice gave her away. “I suppose I don’t have a choice,” she replied in a hushed tone. “It was the sacrifice we both made to save her.”

Once more silence reigned until at last Link found a voice for his dilemma. “I’ve done everything I can do- and yet it’s never good enough. The one thing that holds me back is the one thing I have no control over. I can’t change what I am,” Link replied hopelessly.

“Precisely,” Impa said.

Link couldn’t reply. There was nothing left to say. At that moment realization hit him with such force he could no longer deny it. In saving Zelda he had destroyed any chance he ever had of being with her. He could not be a part of her world, and yet he knew he could never ask her to abandon her crown and become a part of his world. He and Zelda could not be together: he had unintentionally made certain of that himself.



*********


They camped that night on the ridge, and the following morning dawned gray and drizzly. Link awoke to drops of water falling on his face. It had been a restless night with little, if any, sleep. He sat up, yawning and rubbing his eyes, not looking forward to the day ahead: the last leg of their journey. As he looked around he was surprised to see Zelda already awake, sitting nearby with her back to him.

Gathering a spare blanket he got quickly to his feet and made his way towards her. Her face was turned up to the sky and her eyes were shut with a melancholy look upon her face. The rain was falling with greater intensity now. The light sprinkling had settled into a steady, rhythmic flow. The droplets hit her face, running down her cheeks and beading in her hair. Although it was still summer, the rain and the light breeze that danced over the mountain made the morning cool.

Zelda didn’t move but sat up straight like a pillar in the rain, peacefully growing wetter and wetter. He was struck by her calm: the look of tranquil concentration on her face. For a moment he could only stare, transfixed by her beauty.

Over and over through the night he had gone over Impa’s words. They had gnawed away at him until he felt physically ill. No matter how he fought he could not come up with an answer.

Finally he snapped out of his haze and realized what he had come over to her for a reason.

“Zelda,” he said quietly, holding out the blanket, “I brought you a-“

“Shhh…” Zelda shushed gently, her eyes never opening, never moving a muscle.

Link stood in puzzlement for a moment before Zelda spoke again. “Can’t you feel it?” she asked softly but intently. “The calm of the air, the smell of the rain, the voice of the wind in your ears?” The longing in her voice was easy to hear, but Link couldn’t help but be slightly confused.

The beating of the rain grew stronger still: not a violent storm but a peaceful, solemn downfall.

“You’re getting soaked,” Link said finally, draping the blanket over her shoulders. Her now drenched hair clung limply to her skin which was growing pink from the cold.

Zelda opened her eyes suddenly, looking at Link poignantly. “It’s all right,” she replied simply. “I want to get wet. I want to feel the water on my skin and feel the breeze on my face and see the sky above me.” The desperation on her face was a little alarming. Link wasn’t sure where this was headed.

He didn’t speak, but sat down beside her, putting an arm around her shoulder.

Zelda turned her gaze out over the mountainside. Through the drizzly gray, Hyrule could still be seen far below.

“It’s so beautiful,” Zelda whispered longingly, “and yet I may never see it again- not like this. Once I return this will all be over. I’ll be back in the castle and things will go right back where they started.” She looked up at him with her pleading blue eyes.

Link felt a familiar tingle ripple through him, as it did every time she looked at him like that, as well as a twinge of hope. Her head fell onto his shoulder and his hand crept around her waist and he pulled her in closer.

“You don’t have to go back,” Link said once more, his stomach twisting in knots as he suggested it.

“I wish that were true,” she sighed once more. Then she lifted her head and she looked at him. “I have learned a lot during all of this,” she said calmly. “I’ve come to understand many things, but if there is one thing I have learned it is that I cannot continue to run away, especially from him. There’s no wonder why I do it- he taught me to. My father has never faced anything in his life. My mother died over ten years ago and he still hasn’t accepted it. He left me alone to cope with her death because he wasn’t strong enough to face it himself. He never has been strong enough.

“I’m angry with him,” she said with more intensity than she had expected, suddenly tears springing to her eyes. She had never before allowed herself to even think such a thought about her father. The realization hit her that she was not only hurt by him but deep down she was furious at him for what he had done to her over the years. As long as she was only hurt she could blame herself for not being good enough, for falling short, for letting him down. Admitting she was angry at him meant putting blame on his shoulders. It meant having to relinquish her fantasies that somehow, someway, all could be well. She had to let go of a part of him and face reality.

“I hate what he has become,” she said more forcefully, the raw emotion unleashing, “and yet now see that I’ve become him. All the things I hated so much about my father I took in- and I was being just like him,” she said in horror. “I was running, unable to face things that were too painful. It was easier to just hide.

“I’m through running,” she said forcefully. “I can’t change him, and I cannot save him. As sad as it may be, he is doing this to himself. I wish I could do something but I can’t save someone who isn’t willing to save himself, and I won’t allow him to destroy me in the attempt any longer. I have to go back, Link,” she looked at Link, her voice desperate yet strong. “I have to go back because I have to face him. I will not run anymore. I will not be like him.”

Link nodded silently, falling into quiet reflection. Both had known it couldn’t last forever, but as they gazed through the rain at the white towers of Hyrule castle far in the distance both felt a clenching in their hearts.

The sight of the towers sent a chill down Zelda’s spine. The noose around her neck began to tighten, and she suddenly felt like an escapee being dragged back to her cell. Her days were numbered. Every step they had taken had led her one step closer to returning to her life of captivity. Though she wanted to look away, she couldn’t keep her eyes from the looming towers. By nightfall they would be her prison once more.

Beside her Link had fallen into a gloomy silence as well, his face lost in sorrow. He had to tell her. They were running out of time quickly. She had made her decision and she needed to know what it entailed.

“I’m sorry, Link,” she said, trying to smile. “I didn’t mean to discourage you. I don’t mean to complain. This is my choice, and I must deal with the consequences.”

“I have to tell you something,” Link burst suddenly. Zelda looked at him, her clear blue eyes looking through him once more. For a moment she furrowed her brow, looking at him with deep concentration, as though he were speaking and she couldn’t quite hear him. Then, all at once her eyes flew open wide with shock.

“Banished,” she whispered in such quiet horror she was barely audible. She shook her head in disbelief, her gaze falling to the ground.

“What?” Link asked, sure she hadn’t said what he thought she had said.

“Come on you two!” Nabooru’s voice cut through the tension, shattering it instantly. “Stop dawdling and help us get ready to leave!”

By now the rain had awakened everyone. The sages were hurriedly shouting to one another, gathering packs and loading up horses so that any chance of privacy between Link and Zelda was completely gone.

“Come on, Link!” Nabooru urged once more, tossing a pack to him. “We’re getting drenched here, let’s go!”

Admitting defeat Link stood up and made his way over to Epona, leaving Zelda sitting in stunned silence.

******


They had readied quickly and set off with enthusiasm to complete their journey, but it didn’t take long for the rain to put everyone into a gloomy mood. It couldn’t even pacify Ruto, who was tired of traveling and by far the most anxious to get home.

After not too long Link decided he could delay no longer and once again tried to pull Zelda aside and speak with her. Most unusually Zelda had fallen to the back of the group, well behind the others. Her mare was walking slowly with Zelda sitting despondently on her back, staring ahead with a blank expression. Pulling back on his reigns, Link fell back beside Zelda, taking a deep breath and wondering where to begin, but to his surprise Zelda spoke first.

“He banished you?” Zelda asked quietly, not looking up. “He tried to have you executed?”

Link was caught completely off guard by this. She had not let him tell her anything at all, yet she obviously knew what had happened. The only explanation was that Impa had spoken with her and told her everything.

Link didn’t know how to respond to her, and when his silence dragged on too long Zelda finally turned to him in desperation.

“Tell me it isn’t true,” she begged.

Link’s crestfallen expression spoke volumes. He didn’t need to say a word.

“This changes everything,” Zelda sighed finally, almost as though to herself.

“I’ll still see you safely there,” Link responded hopefully. “I just,” he stammered, not sure any words could console the situation, “well, I don’t think I’m welcome in the castle- even less welcome than before.”

“You saved me!” Zelda replied zealously. “You’re bringing me safely home.”

“He will not see it that way,” Link assured her.

“So this is it?” Zelda shot back. “You’re going to run? You’re going to let him win?”

This retort cut him deeply, and for a moment he sat in silence. “I am not running from anything,” Link replied in a low voice, stung by her insinuated attack on his courage. “If it weren’t for you I wouldn’t even be here right now. We both know what you went through to save me- the sacrifice you made. Do you want me to throw that all away? If I am caught he will kill me. Is that what you want?”

“Of course not,” Zelda replied in a small voice, “but you promised me… you promised you would never leave me!” she shouted in a sudden burst of emotion.

The pain in her eyes made Link stop dead, and suddenly he realized that she wasn’t angry, she was afraid. Slowly, he managed to speak. “I’m not going to leave you, but I can’t go with you. You have to understand that.”

Zelda looked back at him in pain and fear and uncertainty, “Please, you don’t have to go,” she whispered.

“What else can I do?” Link’s pride was once again under threat and he burst once more. “You’ve given me no other choice!”

“You speak as though this is my fault!” Zelda shot back just as vehemently. “I am trapped too! What choice do I have?”

“You don’t have to do this!” Link exclaimed. “Forget about him. Forget all of this. Come with me. We’ll leave Hyrule behind- we’ll leave all of this and start over!”

“I can’t do that,” Zelda replied with quiet fervor.

Desperation was quickly overcoming both of them. Once again Link was caught in a helpless position which left him anxious and aggravated. He scrambled to take control of the situation but nothing worked, and all at once he burst.

“You still care,” he was astounded. “You still want his approval! You just can’t let him go. I’ll never be enough, will I?”

Zelda could feel herself trembling with emotion, tears beading in the corners of her eyes. “I love you,” she whispered.

“But it will never be enough,” Link sighed. “Not as long as you have to keep running back to him.”

Zelda felt her hands clench ferociously around her reigns as her heart began to pound in her chest. “Forgive me if cannot bear the thought of you being forced into exile: being driven out of your home on penalty of death! I cannot let my father do this to you. Forgive me if I had hoped to clear your name, to save you from this fate, to somehow, someway repay you for all you that you have done for me! I can’t live in a world where you aren’t free- not when I can do something about it.”

Zelda’s voice broke and she turned away, staring forward, trying with all of her might to keep the tears from welling in her eyes.

Link didn’t know what to say. Fury and pain and remorse and inescapable frustration were battling within him. Neither was truly angry at the other, and yet they only had each other to lash out upon. Everything else seemed out of their control. Yet now they were both stuck with their outbursts, both feeling guilty and ashamed and neither knowing what to do about it.

“You don’t have to do this,” Link assured her. “You don’t have to go back.”

“Where else can I go?” she asked, just as forlornly. “I don’t belong anywhere.”

“You belong with me,” he replied forcefully. “I could- we could-“

“You know I love you,” she said suddenly, “and you know I do not care what differences may lay between our stations, but I am a princess, and I cannot change that.”

For a moment Link felt the familiar shame wash over him, afraid that she was implying that he was below her, but the longing in her eyes assured him she was not and as quickly as they had gone up his defenses went down.

“That’s not you talking,” Link shook his head. “That’s him! That’s Impa! You may have been born a princess, but you said it yourself, that doesn’t make you who you are.”

His restraint was vanishing quickly. All of his hopes of staying strong, of letting her go quietly, of stepping aside if she chose it: they were all gone. He couldn’t let her go on alone without a fight. Hiding his feelings for her had only hurt them both over the years and he couldn’t do it anymore. She had to know how he felt. She had to know the truth.

“The life I have been forced to lead is not who I am, yet the freedom I desire I can never attain without losing myself in its pursuit,” Zelda replied, her intensity mirroring his. “I am bound by my birthright. I cannot escape what I am anymore than I can escape who I am.”

“If that is true, then I can never be anything more than a common peasant,” Link replied more harshly than even he had anticipated. “I was born with nothing, I was raised with nothing. I have nothing to offer you,” he sighed, “but I’ve always hoped that somehow I could be something more. You’ve always made me wish I could become more.”

“You have, Link. You don’t need me to raise you up, you’ve done it on your own. You have the entire world at your fingertips,” Zelda whispered desperately. “At home I am captive of my title. Out here I am still bound to it- chained to what I can never truly hide from. I am torn, completely and utterly between both sides of myself: between what I am and who I am. No matter what I choose I will be wrong. No matter what I choose I will lose myself: some part of me will die. There is no way out.”

And there it was: like a splash of ice water on his face. The bitter reality of life hit him with full force. No matter what either of them said or did it didn’t change what they were. She was a princess, and he was no one.

Love couldn’t change that.

“I am going to make this right,” Zelda promised him quietly. “I may be a captive but I will not see you in chains. You will not share my fate. I won’t let it end this way.” With that she spurred her horse forward, moving ahead and leaving Link in wonder.

Link thought of going after her, but he couldn’t. There was nothing left to say- nothing left to do. For all of her spirit and all of her desire Link feared that this time there was nothing that could be done. He couldn’t fight Zelda’s father: it was battle he was certain to lose every time.


******


As the day wore on the weary group slogged forward through the rain. Hardly anyone spoke, and Link and Zelda seemed so distant they might as well have been in separate worlds.

Once they exited the pass the ground gradually began to slope downward, the trail opening up onto the flat lands of Hyrule field.

“We need to keep out of the open,” Impa said to Link, veering further into the trees which lined the tail. Despite its effect on their spirits, the weather was actually on their side. The cool air and rain brought in a fine mist by late afternoon, further hiding them from view.

Link nodded but said nothing.

“You told her everything?” Impa asked, understanding his qualm.

“I spoke to her,” Link said, “but I didn’t have to tell her anything. She already knew. I thought you told her.”

Impa looked back at him curiously. “I told her nothing.”

“If you didn’t tell her how did she know?” Link replied.

“That is interesting,” Impa replied mystically.

“Well, how did she find out?” Link asked with a furrowed brow.

Impa looked back at him with her eyes that never quite told all. “I do not know.”

Link looked up at Zelda, who was riding quietly in the front of the group, a slightly ominous feeling overcoming him as he looked at her.

“It seems our princess is still full of surprises,” Impa replied.

Looking at her up ahead, Link knew Impa was right.


******

::to be continued in part 2::